Seattle

"The greatest gift you have ever given me is the courage to leave, and to experience."

This was such an honor and nice thing; but also, there was not anything written about the great love we had and the amazing love I gave.  I have to be optimistic because it was a nice and meaningful.


But I can't help but feel a little sting.

Damn

Today was hard.



I said goodbye and I guess I expected you to say bye too.


But you didn't.


You didn't say anything...and I think that hurts more.

Lady A.

3.2.19

I miss you.

I can’t make you love me. 
Every time I see a black Jeep Cherokee my heart drops hoping it’s you. But I know, every time that it isn’t. Because that isn’t you. You don’t show grand acts of love. You dont show up where I am and tell me that you love me and made a mistake.


And I can’t make you want to..

This Week

It is one of those weeks where I miss you.

I miss you everyday...

Weirdness

It is weird to not have you in my life anymore...
Today was the first day I went the whole work day without NEEDING to text...I say that is an accomplishment...


but then the work day ended.

Tinder

I just won't be okay with you doing it.

"And that watch I gave you, still looks good on your wrist"

"And I know we're not supposed to talk..."

Life.Goes.On.

You dont seem to care. You're going on with your life as if we are okay; well actually like you are okay. I am sad-I am not okay. And you're out drinking with your friends-like.you.dont.care. I dont know how to shake this feeling. I have to be okay with you moving on with your life; I guess after 7 years I just assumed it would be harder to do...I guess I thought wrong....

01.14.2019

I thought I was done dreaming of you since you havent shown up for a few days; I guess I was wrong.

I had a birthday party and it was at a park; everyone was there.  Not sure where you and your friends were but they were there somewhere.  You didnt say a word to me; it made me really uncomfortable and I was questioning why you even went.
I dont remember much of the dream aside from you ignoring me at my own party.

01.11.19

Fading; you are fading from my dreams and becoming less and less.
I dreamt about you again last night, if you can call it that. You more appeared in my dream for a second.  You posted a picture of yourself with a snapchat filter-the bunny ears and the caption "Sad."

01.10.19

Another night where you fall into my dreams.

We went on a vacation in Mexico.  We got to eat and drink.  The difference in this dream is that I dont really remember a lot of it...We did have sex so that is something.

My senses.

Everything in the room is you.
I see your Diplomas.
I hear your fan blowing.
I smell your sent lingering on the t-shirt you wore to sleep.
I touch the side of the bed that you just left.
How do I move on when everything here is a reminder of you?
Am I supposed to pretend that the last several years didn’t happen?
I love you.
How do you let someone go when everything in your life reminds you of them?
You’re everywhere.
You’re even in my every dream.
It’s been 6 nights and you have been in every dream.
What’s the process for healing if I see you even when I’m asleep?
How do I move on when even my subconscious wants you?


-Sms

The haunting.

You have appeared in every dream every time I close my eyes. 

We were all at a huge house party (maybe Escondido or Temecula)- a million rooms and huge living rooms with a pool.  You decide to get in the pool and flirt with girls.  I asked to talk to you because it hurt after JUST breaking up.  You said okay and led me somewhere to talk and then walked away.  You left me standing alone and proceeded to flirt with all the other girls that were there.  That left me feeling so sad (obviously) and I was ready to go home.  Then a good friend of mine showed up and I was going to go flirt with guys just like you were doing with girls; I had my wing woman! And I didn't really want to, I was devastated but what else what I supposed to do?
I was talking to a group of girls, my school psych and some old girls I went to Catholic school with, and they all said I was better off without you.  But that is what people say, right?

I never got to flirt though; I woke up.

01.08.2019

You were in my dream again. 

The set up was the same as where I currently live-bedrooms at the end of each hall and then it opens out unto the living room.  You just got out of the shower from one bedroom and you had a towel around your waist and getting read to close the door.  Then I call a friend of mine to my room so we can hang out.  You show her your penis and I get upset and close the bedroom door.
I decide to confront you about it and ask "Do you want to fuck her!?" You do not say anything, because you do.  Then I am more upset, because "I thought we were going to be the ones fucking!" I proceed to ask if the time apart and space has given you clarity on if you want to be with me or not and you don’t answer because you DONT want to be with me. Then I get upset and kick you out. I start cleaning because I’m upset and I throw a lollipop down the hall. But you’re fine. Dressed in your same pjs, white shirt with gray bottoms, watching TV the in the living room. Not caring that you just broke my heart...

And shattered my world.

You were in my dream again.

I said goodbye. Just like I did before and I was trying to cope with not having you. But there were parties and I saw you. But we couldn’t say anything, or rather we wouldn't.

Then we went on some trip where you go with a bunch of friends and strangers. There was a hill, mostly muddy, that you can walk down that led to a pool of water (kind of like an ocean where you can snorkel and stuff).  The point is to walk down the hill and jump in the water-it symbolizes a new life and fresh start. You said needed to go without me, to jump in the water without me.  So you went with a friend. I saw you walk away from me and it broke my heart. You and the friend got everyone pumped. Then, when you were done, I just watched you and I was heart broken. Everyone jumped and then started to leave. I didn’t jump. I was just there-lost;it was like a scene in a music video or a movie where one person is just standing there while there is movement going on all around. There were very few people there. But you were still there and then you came to me. I’m still crying and a mess because how was I supposed to live without you. We start heading out and walking up the muddy slope together towards the exit because you were talking to me. You tell me “so i got my fresh start and wanna be with you.”
You wanted to be with me. “What’s the point of doing this if I don’t have someone to share it with” and I smiled, because I had you again.

Then, I woke up.

Mixed Signals