Daddy issues

As anyone who truly knows me will know that I have daddy issues.

This isn't a surprise and I don't need anyone to feel sorry for me.
My biological dad, while I knew him and spent weekends with him, was not really around.  He hardly ever came to my basketball games and we never really had a close relationship.  Even now we don't see things similarly (which is fine) and there just seems to be a disconnect.  I've expressed how I want him to want to hang out with me and see me and be apart of his new family; but it does not seem to go that way.  I have sort of given up, especially because I have learned that I am happy and perfectly fine without him.  I grew up with him disappointing me and not being there; absence was something I could count on from him and today I don't expect anything from him, whether it be for a wedding, baby shower, birthday, or Christmas.  He will call and check in, which is nice, but that is the extent of my relationship with him.

My stepdad was around for the majority of my life.  He stepped in and disciplined (too harshly sometimes) and cared for me as I grew up.  During my senior year of high school he and my mom got a divorce, which is again, fine.   But then, he chose not to talk to me.  He completely cut me out of his life and I didn't hear from him.  He was the one that came to my games or was around just to hang out in general and he did not want me in his life. That one hurt for awhile but I learned that while I wanted him in my life, I did not need him in it.  We reconnected about a year later and we have been close ever since.  He has gone through some trauma recently-he was in Vegas during the shooting-so I have been checking in with him more frequently just to make sure he is good.  I love him and I am grateful that we have been able to form a new relationship again.  His leaving hurt but I am strong enough to move on from it.

Every single guy I have dated has either cheated on me (2 out of the 3) or left me for another girl.  You can see how all of this has made me feel like I am not good enough. I wont get into the drama and intricacies of the relationships but recently I have been wanting and trying to love myself; I am working on believing that I am enough for another person, enough for myself.  It is hard to reassure myself when my whole life I was shown that I was not good enough to be loved.  I have loved and people have loved me but that is what hurts the most--when you love someone more than you can fathom and they break your heart so fast that you cant even blink.

I want to feel happy and I am learning how to do that but damn, it is really hard.

Boys

I want to be with a man who makes me forget about every other guy; when I am with them, I want to only think about them.  To be present.  To be loved.  To have fun and enjoy the time I get with them.

This happened to me recently; I forgot about all the other messy stuff in my life.  I didnt even need my phone-which was awesome.  I felt appreciated and beautiful and fun and smart.  I had the best time with this guy.


I want the next person I am with to make me feel all of the great emotions and have a wonderful time.