Wedding dress

I had the strangest dream. I was getting married to some random person but then you showed up. You told me not to get married to him because it's always been us. You said that I was the one and I understood all the family stuff you had; you said your family even says that it's me. Lastly, you said you even cheated with me. Then, we kissed. It was so strange. I didn't end up getting married, but I didn't end up with you either.

Shortly after the wedding, I got into a car crash. I was pregnant but I believe the baby lived. S brought me in and told me.

This whole thing was so strange.

The right love at the wrong time.

Is it too late to say sorry now?

Negative

Tested negative for lupus. That's good but I don't know what I have. This sucks.

Why Miley Cyrus is the shit

Simply put, she doesn't give a fuck.

How awesome to be that comfortable in your own skin.  Although, she was not always like that.  I am glad she is happy and was able to find herself.

Living with uncertainty

I have been in and out of the doctors for the past few months; I went to the ER in August and they found nothing wrong with me.  I was having difficulty breathing, I was shaking and I was having sharp pain in my chest.  I have given over 10 vials of blood in the past 4 days so they can see what is going on.

I went to they eye doctor Thursday and he said I could have an autoimmune disorder (like crohns or lupus).  I got some lab work done after that and it said there were some issues with my liver and kidneys-consistent with an autoimmune disorder.  Tomorrow I get tested for lupus.

I have never been more scared in my life.  This is manageable; I mean, if I have this then it is not the end of the world.  I think the hardest part is living with this uncertainty; I have a good support system so I am not concerned about that...

The whole thing is just scary...

I'm sorry for breaking your heart

For when I need to move forward

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/10/this-time-you-have-to-be-either-all-in-or-all-out-adult/

In the end

All anybody ever wants is to be loved.

You and I

Kitty and I used to wake up to this song every morning; it is so weird not having her on my chest...Ever since she left, I do not listen to this song as much.

Military

I am so thankful for those who serve and who have served for our country.
That being said, I recently read an article about a veteran who lost her dog and then recently found it. There was media coverage and a massive following on Facebook; it was huge.

I want to say that I am glad she found her dog that was stolen. BUT just because she is a veteran does not make anyone who isn't a veteran who lost their pet any less important. I lost my cat, as you know if you have been following since August, and it is completely heartbreaking. When I see things like this in the media and people saying "she deserves it, etc" I have to agree. But so does everyone else who lost or had their pet stolen. Even those who have had their pets die deserve closure. I feel like I deserve to find out what happen to my cat just as much as that veteran.
Again, I don't mean to offend but the point I am making is that losing an animal hurts; it hurts just as much as if you served our country and just are trying to put yourself through school.

One night

Last night was the first night in over a month that I did not go look for her. It was hard and I felt so guilty but I need to start moving on. I absolutely love her but I cannot do this forever. I don't know what else to say...but I just wanted to say something.

Loss

I think one of the hardest parts of losing her is having no one to talk to. Whenever I get emotional about it, S gets upset at N because he is the reason she got out. I was mad for awhile too but that got me nowhere...now I am just trying to figure out how to grieve. Every time I try it starts a fight. If I show my emotions in front of anyone else they won't know how to react and will just stare.
This sucks...I sit alone in bed at night and look at pictures and videos. There are some things that I don't even remember. It's times like these that I am glad that I recorded everything. I never want to forget the way she said hello to me As I walked in the door; or the way she would eat food from the container even when I just poured her some fresh food in her bowl; or the way she would know the difference between my first alarm and the one that goes off after I hit snooze; or the way that I was the only one that knew when she had enough pets...and even when I got the extra 6 pets in, she didn't sratch me.

I just hope for the best for her-whether she passed away, ran away, or found another place to call home.

Glory and Diana

I hired bloodhounds to find my cat. While they did not find her, they found a clump of fur that I got tested. It was a match to hers. I do not know what happened to my cat; I just know that I did not deserve this. Kitty was most likely run over by a car and the car either took her with it or she crawled somewhere to die.

Either way, I am left without my cat; without my baby.

People who are worse animal owners should have their pets taken away from them, not me. I gave her everything and I loved her to death.
I am so upset that I will not see her again...this isn't fair.

S had Meiko, and I took care of him when he was going to take him to the shelter. N brought home
Kitty and I took her in and loved her and took care of her.

I guess I should just be happy that I had the best two years with her.

Missing.

It's been one week.
There are so many things I can say:
I did everything I could. It is not fair. I gave her everything.
But all of these things cannot change the fact that she is gone.
My heart aches and I am left with less and less hope each day. She may come back. She may be alive. She may be dead.

I don't know how my baby is doing. I just wish this pain would go away. I just wish she would come back home.

Relationships

I wonder, is all the hassle really worth it?
The fighting.
The yelling.
The storming out.
The disagreements that never find middle ground.
The unfairness.
The stubbornness.
The learning how to give in.
The storm.
The calm before the storm.
The laughs.
The memories.
The hugs.
The kisses.
The hand holding.
The life you build together.
The first apartment.
The surprises.
The doing things for the other person, even when you don't want to...but seeing them smile makes it all worth it.


So yes. It is.

Wanna know what grinds my gears?

Waiting 20 minutes to get in the freeway and having people cut me off right before I get on.

No! Not okay!

Back at it

I swear, I don't love school this much.

Summer school round 1: prereqs for grad school.

Seems like it will be interesting; just a lot of work.

Blue hair

I miss my blue hair.

PowerPoint

How is it that we are going to graduate in 2 1/2 weeks and you still cannot figure out how to give a PowerPoint presentation?!

Pet peeve: when people read off of the slides during presentations. Thanks but I can read by myself.

Ns.

I hope you know that you are not invincible.



If not, then I am scared for you.

Reach

This was my reach.  I never thought that I would make it and it finally happened.  To be accepted to one of the best schools in the country is completely unbelieveable.  It still feels very unreal to me.  I do have to pass the CSET now and that is my only obstacle.  I am completely grateful and proud of myself.  This is so crazy and I am still in shock.

Jess Mariano

That depressing feeling you get when you know you'll never be with Jess Mariano...

*heart sinks*

Victor Reyna

I miss your humorous facebook rants.

And I miss you.

I wrote about you for my CSET.  I almost cried in the middle of the test but I would not let myself.  I just want to tell you that I miss you...I miss my best friend.  I guess the bright side is, your leaving gives me good writing material for school.  I would trade it anyday just for you to be in my life again.