This post will be about
self-worth. A relationship can make someone forget their self-worth and
compromise more than they should. You can love someone so much and that still
could not be enough for them, which in turn is not enough for you. I used to
think that trying my hardest would make everything work out. But you can't
change people. As much as you wish it and will it, it doesn't happen.
I tried.
In my relationship, I
thought compromising on some things that were important to me would make him
compromise too. It started with little
things such as spending time at his house-not mine and slowly grew to more
important things like letting him pick one day of the weekend to spend with me
and the other with his friends and during the week was fair game to anyone, and
missing out on things I wanted to do like wine and paint or indoor skydiving.
One of the final straws
came when lied to me about one of my deal breakers. I don’t know exactly when he decided to do
drugs but I didn’t find out until our relationship was crumbling. He thought it was more important for him to
experiment regardless of how I felt about it-and that hurt.
During the time I was
trying and compromising I found myself less and less happy. People around me
noticed too. But I wanted it to work. I needed it to because I have done
everything right. If it failed-after I did everything I could-then I failed. I wasn't good enough.
That used to be my
mentality. I used to think I wasn't good enough. I recently heard someone say
that if you can leave a relationship knowing that you did everything you could
to make it work, then you shouldn't feel guilty. And I tried. I did everything
that I possibly could. And it wasn't enough. But that doesn't mean I am not
enough. I needed to learn to love myself and value who I was as a person to
realize that this is working. I loved everything we did together: the cuddling,
watching movies, cooking dinner, hiking, sex. But every time you didn’t pick
me, I died a little more inside. And that wasn't my fault. You chose everything
and how things went; when we hung out, how often we hung out, what we did.
Sure, I got you to change the way you dressed and expanded your horizons away
from San Diego; but, everything was on your terms.
I am a person too and I
love myself. It wasn't easy to get to this point but I know that I deserve
someone that wants to be with me-genuinely wants to be with me. Not because their
friend group isn't available. As much as I love you, I have to let you
go.
And it breaks my
heart.
And I don't want to.
I will always love you and
I will miss you.
But I love me more and I
pick me for once.
Like you always picked
you.
