Before daybreak.

We can say this and that and others can say those things too but at the end of the day you make me happy.

That should be all that matters.

Z.

Even if it was just for the weekend it felt good to have someone care. It felt good to be giddy; like a teenager all over again. 


10/03/17            7:43 pm
"I'm ready to come back.you can have all my shirts"

Fed Up.

I even got a new domain name.

I don't appreciate you pretending like you're better than me or nicer than I am or putting on this holier than thou bull. You can't pretend like you never say anything abut me-and like you didn't this weekend. You know what really makes me mad is that somehow you convinced everyone you were just trying to be my friend. You even had your boyfriend tell me which made me feel bad and I wanted to try again. 

But no. Not cool at all and I'm officially done trying to be nice to you because you're a waste of time. And if you read this then PLEASE confront me about how you read about it on my blog. 

Bitch please, say something. I fucking dare you. 

Molly

The whole song talks about this great love that doesn't happen because he doesn't want to change or give up something that's important to him. 

And he shouldn't, especially if it is what he wants. 

It hits home because I am not asking for much from someone; I want to be loved and treated as such. The hardest part of this specific breakup is that there is still love there. I guess it just didn't work out for us this time and timing wasn't in our favor. You need to figure out your life and what you want because stringing me along isn't fair to either of us.  It doesn't make it any easier when you don't want to work to improve anything. 

You can't break my heart and expect me to continuously be here. You lost the trust and it doesn't just go back without working for it. And you don't want to work for it so this needs to be done. 

I hate that fact but I know that I DESERVE someone who will treat me how I should be treated. I gave you all of the love and more than anyone else ever would have and I didn't get that in return. 

Dang. This sucks. 

I Pick Me.

This post will be about self-worth. A relationship can make someone forget their self-worth and compromise more than they should. You can love someone so much and that still could not be enough for them, which in turn is not enough for you. I used to think that trying my hardest would make everything work out. But you can't change people. As much as you wish it and will it, it doesn't happen. 

I tried. 

In my relationship, I thought compromising on some things that were important to me would make him compromise too.  It started with little things such as spending time at his house-not mine and slowly grew to more important things like letting him pick one day of the weekend to spend with me and the other with his friends and during the week was fair game to anyone, and missing out on things I wanted to do like wine and paint or indoor skydiving. 

One of the final straws came when lied to me about one of my deal breakers.  I don’t know exactly when he decided to do drugs but I didn’t find out until our relationship was crumbling.  He thought it was more important for him to experiment regardless of how I felt about it-and that hurt.

During the time I was trying and compromising I found myself less and less happy. People around me noticed too. But I wanted it to work. I needed it to because I have done everything right. If it failed-after I did everything I could-then I failed. I wasn't good enough. 

That used to be my mentality. I used to think I wasn't good enough. I recently heard someone say that if you can leave a relationship knowing that you did everything you could to make it work, then you shouldn't feel guilty. And I tried. I did everything that I possibly could. And it wasn't enough. But that doesn't mean I am not enough. I needed to learn to love myself and value who I was as a person to realize that this is working. I loved everything we did together: the cuddling, watching movies, cooking dinner, hiking, sex. But every time you didn’t pick me, I died a little more inside. And that wasn't my fault. You chose everything and how things went; when we hung out, how often we hung out, what we did. Sure, I got you to change the way you dressed and expanded your horizons away from San Diego; but, everything was on your terms. 

I am a person too and I love myself. It wasn't easy to get to this point but I know that I deserve someone that wants to be with me-genuinely wants to be with me. Not because their friend group isn't available. As much as I love you, I have to let you go. 

And it breaks my heart. 

And I don't want to. 

I will always love you and I will miss you.

But I love me more and I pick me for once. 

Like you always picked you. 

Change

I never told you how angry I was at you for saying that taking my dog away would make someone relapse.


Buddy deserved better than your bitter excuses; better than your brother; better than your laziness.

I blame myself for not seeing it sooner.


Shame on you.

Turning a new leaf...sort of.

I'm trying to work on being less bitter, jealous, judgmental and move past all the things that made me this way. However I was just thinking back to a 5 year anniversary with a boyfriend I had. I am so angry at his mother. 

Let start by writing I think it's important to express all emotions and I am no stranger to speaking my mind and telling people what I think-this is why a lot of people don't like me. It is one of my flaws because if you're being an ass I'll call you on it; if I have a question I will ask regardless of if it makes you uncomfortable. I am not extremely sensitive how I say things and I am trying to work on it. 

Anyways, back to the anniversary that was messed up from the beginning. His mom had previously mentioned that she has never been to a Charger game.  Let me back track a little to a conversation I had with her a year prior about the Chargers (a team that she absolutely loves).  I had offered to get tickets and go to a game with her because she had said she never saw them.   Her response was that it was "too hot" and she would prefer to watch them at home.  Fast forward to the year after--everyone knew the Chargers were moving to LA even though they never announced it so my boyfriend at the time and I talked about surprising her with tickets to their last home game.  Bad news for me was that it was on our 5 year anniversary--a milestone, a big one; people go all out for those.  I decided that since she has never gone to a game and they were leaving I would sacrifice our day and we could just go out to dinner afterwards.

Backstory: For every anniversary we would go to Coronado, walk around, and finish our day eating dinner at Costa Azul.  

Anyways, the day came and we surprised her with tickets for just them two and she was ecstatic! She almost cried from joy and all those feel good emotions.  She realized that it was our anniversary too and so she made a comment to me about it.  I responded with something like "Oh, it is okay because they are leaving and you have never been to a game; We can go get dinner after".  She responds "I've been to a game."

Really.

Really???!!?!?!?!

I have a few thought running through my head like really bitch?, why did you tell us you haven't been??!, Well, there goes my anniversary, and well now I am pissed.

But I didn't say...all of these.  I just said, "You said you never went before..." My guy had made a similar comment, too.  She said "I never said that. I have been before like 100 years ago."  My boyfriend and I started at each other-he knew what I was thinking but I just left it at that.

Now, it is the day of the game and they are off.  It was an afternoon game so they didn't get home until around 6.  He took a shower and rested for a little and we both started getting ready.  We were in no rush because it wasn't a big deal-just a late dinner.  We drive to Coronado and walk to the restaurant and arrive at 8:37 pm.  The host tells us "We close the kitchen at 8:30 but the bar is open."  I look at him and say something like "wow really" (I honestly don't remember).  Then we just walk to the Hotel Del and don't eat.  We don't stay very long either because the whole night just felt ruined (and I know I could have turned it around but I didn't).  He was bummed too, at least that is what he told me.  

So, I let our night be ruined.  But I can still be mad at her for lying to both of us.  I never expressed how angry she made me about the whole thing; especially since it was a big anniversary-I felt like it was big.\

The end of this post seems pretty anticlimactic but I am unsure how to end it.  

I think I may just need to let the things that I have held on to go...

Since you already know.

"If I just showed up to that movie things would be different."

"But you didn't. "

Lies

I understand that people get hurt and that you are friends.  What I dont understand is how someones friends can say insulting things about someone and egg someone one to say negative things about me.  You are not involved in the relationship and you dont know a damn thing.  If I wanted to I could go off on each and every one of you-but I dont nor do I say these things to anyone but myself-minus Zac because....lets be real, he really is arrogant.

So homies, please stay OUT of my relationship and stop talking shit about me; if you have a problem with me then say it to my face.  I dont appreciate any of the disrespect and I wont stand for it anymore.

The fault

I go back and forth between things in my mind.  I think a good quality I have is being able to see two sides to (mostly) everything.

You cant give me what I want right now...but I cant give myself that either.  I am happy right now so why not make these life altering decisions when I am in a place to actually make a move.


But on the other hand, why put off the inevitable?

But is it inevitable? Will you really not be ready in a years time? Who knows? Do you? You said not right now...but that isnt not ever.



How do you decide to walk away from the love of your life?  Let me tell you, some people who are able to definitely have more guts than I do. This is just temporary; I think.

Too much going on. I dont know.  I dont know anything.  I am a planner and I like things to be laid out so I know what is going on and right now I dont.  I am up in the air.  I cant stand it.

Relationships are kind of shitty

How should one determine what is an important aspect or not?
Is loving someone enough? Is wanting to call them when the best things happen as well as the worst things?

What if they cant give you what you want?

When is it the end?

I know we shouldnt be together; we both established that tonight....but I dont ever remember it being this hard to walk away.

He has been my rock and (one of) the greatest thing(s) in my life; I could have everything with him.  But I want more, and he wants the same.  This has been our continuous struggle.


Why cant I just walk away? Would I regret it? Would it be worth it?

I want to be with someone who can give me what I want-neither of us should compromise.


But I cant....







What now?

Be Nice

I recently stumbled upon a Facebook article that described a man who immigrated from Somalia and was charged of rape and some other crimes. The responses that I saw people say were disgusting and hateful. I understand why people would be mad about this but I just want to point out that US citizens are also in our prison system because of murder, rape, kidnapping, etc. It isn't just immigrants. And with everything, there are good things and bad things-this one person isn't representative of the whole population. I wanted to post some of the comments because they were really disheartening. How can people be so cruel? I am still in shock and very disappointed that more people are unable to see both sides of the argument. 

To the girl who I hurt on her birthday

I have been thinking a lot about this lately and all I can say is that I am so sorry.

When I was 15 I had a small party at my house; my best friend hurt me, as I did you, on my birthday.  It was the worst feeling-at the time.
She made my day about her and it really left me feeling very sad; I didnt know who my friends were and it was hard on me for a long time.

Like I said, I am sorry.  Sometimes in life we are dealt hands that are just unfair; we want redos and make ups but it doesnt work that way.  I wish that there was something that I could say to undo what I did and the pain that I caused.  It wasnt fair to you and I am deeply and incredibly sorry.

If you only get one thing from this, please know that I am not the same person and I do apologize from the bottom of my heart.

To every other country:

We aren't all like our new president. We don't all agree with what he says, signs, or does. Please don't make that generalization that we are who leads us because in this case, it is tremendously inaccurate.

If you still love me

Then tell me. Show me.